Tuesday, September 11, 2012

If I Made It: Final Fantasy 7

Ideal Directors: Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings), Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire)

OK I'll come right out and say it: Final Fantasy 7 is my favourite game of all time. It's my Lord of the Rings. It was the ultimate game changer for Sony in 1997, just like the first in the series had been for Square in 1987. Skip ahead to 2005: Sony needed something to show us that yeah, games for the PS3 are going to look good. A paint job on Final Fantasy 7 was perfect for the part because first, it was a PS1 game, so the visual difference was like comparing an anti-aircraft missile launcher to a slingshot. Second, there was already enough of a fan base that people were going to be talking about it, which translates to many, many dollars. 

Enter the tech demo showing the PS3's muscles, like one of those juiced-up human hippos bicepping his biceps before the big annual truck-eating contest. The video was a glorious demonstration of the PS3's power and beauty, and on that day a record amount of drool was wiped from the keyboards of geeks around the globe. For the first time in the history of consumerism, there was a huge demand for a re-release of something. So then came the tidal wave of rumours about when the rest of the game was going to be HDified for the PS3. 

Square, in their newly-self-appointed quest to disappoint every single one of their fans (See FFX-2, 11, 13, 14), decided to abandon their potential money-printing machine, and announced that it ain't happening because it would take too long. "Are you fucking kidding me?" seemed like the only appropriate response and continues to be to this day.

But thankfully Square saw the value in the property and didn't abandon the fans. Instead, the PSP prequel game and CG-animated sequel movie were made. Crisis Core succeeded as a solid action-RPG, but failed to add anything to the story. And although Advent Children is my favourite game movie (pending the release of Metal Gear Solid), it didn't come close to capturing the game's epicness (epicity?) and ignored the secondary characters in favor of those fucking boring, stupid, whiny, did-I-mention-fucking-boring Sephiroth clones. 

So Square, now that your new ideas aren't working out as planned, why not try something different? There are millions in my generation who would pay any price to see a live-action Final Fantasy 7 movie, and if it were done by the right people, it would at least generate the "Will this be the first great video game movie?" buzz. I won't pretend that there's a chance in hell that a Peter Jackson, or even a Jon Favreau would take it. Until game movies (gamevies?) become a legitimate genre, no director who has anything to lose will ten foot pole that shit. But still one can dream, man. 


Cloud Strife: Zac Efron
He's got the look nailed and people know him, but he hasn't yet starred in a big budget blockbuster...for guys. 

Sephiroth: UNKNOWN

Yes, unknown. Here's why: imagine taking an actor you really like, and putting Sephiroth's hair on him. Yeah, that's why. Get an unknown long-faced actor who can play a good villain, stick a wig on him and you've got at least an MTV award. I might have suggested Henry Cavill if he wasn't already Superman. 

Tifa Lockhart: Anna Kendrick
 In the game Tifa secretly has feelings for Cloud, but that isn't fully explored as a plot point. The age difference would be a subtle reminder that she is ultimately not Cloud's love interest. 

Barret Wallace: Michael Clark Dun...I mean Ving Rhames
Too soon?

Aeris Gainsborough: Willa Holland
She's in Gilmore Girls and Arrow, in case you're wondering. 

1 comment:

  1. By ALL means I recommend Zac as Cloud. Ving Rhames is a little old for Barrett, as he is in his 50's, but may I recommend (this is going to either piss you off or make you rejoice) pro-wrestler MVP. HE has a great look for the part and could portray that go-get-'em spirit. I recommend Cilian Murphy for Sephiroth. That guy has the perfect Sephiroth look and can be dark and maniacal as fuck.