If I Made It: Metal Gear Solid

Metal Gear Solid
Ideal Directors: Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men) or Neill Blomkamp (District 9)

It's official: MGS is going Hollywood. Avi Arad is on board as producer, for better or worse depending on how you feel about Marvel movies. And I'll call it right now: it's going to be a hit. Despite game-movies being virtual box office poison, there is already enough of a fan base to make the money back regardless of how good it is. Sadly the MGS series also has a good number of non-fans too, and there is a particular reason for that: the writing. It's not bad, mostly, it's just that there's a shitload of it. So much time is devoted to cutscenes in these games that they feel more like a TV show at some points. Love it or hate it, there is a ton of dialogue and back story there, and a lot of it is unnecessary filler. But when translating that to film you get to pick and choose what stays and what goes. 

Bring in someone that will stay true to the original game, keep the best 10% of the dialogue, make it about Snake and the characters instead of the special effects, but make the Metal Gear weapon look awesome. If you can keep those elements and not make another G.I. Joe, this could be the first legitimately good gamevie (that's right, I'm copyrighting it).

Cuaron or Blomkamp are my choices for director. Why not J.J. Abrams or Bryan Singer? Because their sci-fi movies are too colourful and grandiose. This isn't Star Trek or Superman; the first MGS game takes place in a mostly underground facility in Alaska. The colour palette is mostly various shades of grey, and it takes about half an hour to move to the next room. I'm expecting to see a lot of Snake sneaking around tranquillizing guards, crawling through air ducts, and of course hiding in cardboard boxes. Children of Men and District 9 had the muted visual tones, slow-to-medium pacing and effective use of tension that is needed for this movie. They aren't war movies per se, but they are great examples of how war will be fought differently in the future, which is one of the main themes of the MGS saga. 

But no, Columbia will probably hire Alex Proyas or, Outer Heaven forbid, Mc-fucking-G.

CAST

Solid Snake: Anson Mount (Hell on Wheels)

Please please please please cast Anson Mount as Snake. Nobody is better suited, and nobody wants to see him played by a Matthew Fox or a Brad Pitt.

Colonel Roy Campbell: Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)

I can totally picture him screaming SNAAAAAKE!

Hal Emmerich a.k.a. Otacon: Matthew Gray Gubler (Criminal Minds)

Otacon is basically Spencer Reid minus the Asperger's. 

Naomi Hunter: Kate Beckinsdale (Underworld)

Because we could all use a little more more Kate Beckinsdale, and a little less Underworld.

Liquid Snake: Nikolai Coster-Waldau (Game of Thrones)

But they will probably end up putting a blond wig on James MacAvoy .

Revolver Ocelot: Sam Elliott (The Big Lebowski)

Who doesn't want to see him wielding huge pistols?