Review: Iron Sky

Director: Timo Vuorensola
Starring: Julia Dietze, Christopher Kirby, Götz Otto, Udo Kier, Peta Sergeant, Stephanie Paul

Note: This was intentionally written to emulate the reviewing style of funny podcasts such as We Hate Movies, How Did This Get Made, Yeah It's That Bad, Bad Movie Fiends, and The Flop House.

Jesus Christ. I think the club has a new member. Make room, Batman And Robin, Plan Nine From Outer Space, Gigli, Troll 2, Jack and Jill, Freddy Got Fingered, Battlefield Earth, Showgirls, The Room, and Birdemic. Iron Sky is the new kid in this town, and it's dressed as a goddamn Space Nazi.

I'm going to do my best to get through the plot holes pieces without dying from lack of oxygen to my brain. We open with two bad-CG astronauts joyfully frolicking around the surface of the Moon, who then find a massive unobtainium-mining base, cleverly hidden on the dark side. Space Nazis appear! and explode the shuttle, shoot one CG astronaut in the face and take the other prisoner. Sub-Moon-Furher Adler (Otto) explains to Moon-Fuhrer Kortzfleisch (Kier) that the unarmed captive "appears to be the leader of the shock troops" for reasons that are not shared with the audience. This first scene inside the moon base shows red as the only perceivable colour, a Schindler's List reference that has no business being there. 

If I Made It: Metal Gear Solid

Metal Gear Solid
Ideal Directors: Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men) or Neill Blomkamp (District 9)

It's official: MGS is going Hollywood. Avi Arad is on board as producer, for better or worse depending on how you feel about Marvel movies. And I'll call it right now: it's going to be a hit. Despite game-movies being virtual box office poison, there is already enough of a fan base to make the money back regardless of how good it is. Sadly the MGS series also has a good number of non-fans too, and there is a particular reason for that: the writing. It's not bad, mostly, it's just that there's a shitload of it. So much time is devoted to cutscenes in these games that they feel more like a TV show at some points. Love it or hate it, there is a ton of dialogue and back story there, and a lot of it is unnecessary filler. But when translating that to film you get to pick and choose what stays and what goes. 

Bring in someone that will stay true to the original game, keep the best 10% of the dialogue, make it about Snake and the characters instead of the special effects, but make the Metal Gear weapon look awesome. If you can keep those elements and not make another G.I. Joe, this could be the first legitimately good gamevie (that's right, I'm copyrighting it).

Cuaron or Blomkamp are my choices for director. Why not J.J. Abrams or Bryan Singer? Because their sci-fi movies are too colourful and grandiose. This isn't Star Trek or Superman; the first MGS game takes place in a mostly underground facility in Alaska. The colour palette is mostly various shades of grey, and it takes about half an hour to move to the next room. I'm expecting to see a lot of Snake sneaking around tranquillizing guards, crawling through air ducts, and of course hiding in cardboard boxes. Children of Men and District 9 had the muted visual tones, slow-to-medium pacing and effective use of tension that is needed for this movie. They aren't war movies per se, but they are great examples of how war will be fought differently in the future, which is one of the main themes of the MGS saga. 

But no, Columbia will probably hire Alex Proyas or, Outer Heaven forbid, Mc-fucking-G.

CAST

Solid Snake: Anson Mount (Hell on Wheels)

Please please please please cast Anson Mount as Snake. Nobody is better suited, and nobody wants to see him played by a Matthew Fox or a Brad Pitt.

Review: Homeland Season 1

It's Emmy season! (/jazzhands)

Today it's Homeland, the show that may finally turn Damian Lewis into somebody that you've actually heard of. Hell, Claire Danes too for that matter. Danes hasn't done anything significant since Stardust, and T3 before that, and Lewis' career since Band of Brothers isn't anything to have a party over. But Showtime took a good gamble, and now Homeland is nominated for three Emmys, including acting nods for both. So I think what we might have here is a career revival coupled with a career boost.

Homeland makes 24 look like Spy Kids. But this isn't a Bond movie; this is an intelligent, collected spy thriller. You won't see any garotte-watches, laser pens, or caltrops falling from car trunks here. If you enjoyed Syriana or The Path to 9/11, then this is for you, but if you're looking for shootouts, you're going to leave disappointed. This is about a man re-adjusting to life outside of war...or is he?...while the CIA is trying to stop a terrorist attack...or is it?...that may or may not be related to him....or may it? A lot of scenes involve the process of gathering intelligence and piecing it together, which takes time. But it's never boring; twists come in almost every episode, and they never feel forced or hokey. The plot moves at a good pace, and slow scenes don't last long enough to make you lose interest. A minor plot hole or two doesn't come close to ever bringing it down. 

If I Made It: Final Fantasy 7

Ideal Directors: Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings), Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire)

OK I'll come right out and say it: Final Fantasy 7 is my favourite game of all time. It's my Lord of the Rings. It was the ultimate game changer for Sony in 1997, just like the first in the series had been for Square in 1987. Skip ahead to 2005: Sony needed something to show us that yeah, games for the PS3 are going to look good. A paint job on Final Fantasy 7 was perfect for the part because first, it was a PS1 game, so the visual difference was like comparing an anti-aircraft missile launcher to a slingshot. Second, there was already enough of a fan base that people were going to be talking about it, which translates to many, many dollars. 

Enter the tech demo showing the PS3's muscles, like one of those juiced-up human hippos bicepping his biceps before the big annual truck-eating contest. The video was a glorious demonstration of the PS3's power and beauty, and on that day a record amount of drool was wiped from the keyboards of geeks around the globe. For the first time in the history of consumerism, there was a huge demand for a re-release of something. So then came the tidal wave of rumours about when the rest of the game was going to be HDified for the PS3. 

Square, in their newly-self-appointed quest to disappoint every single one of their fans (See FFX-2, 11, 13, 14), decided to abandon their potential money-printing machine, and announced that it ain't happening because it would take too long. "Are you fucking kidding me?" seemed like the only appropriate response and continues to be to this day.

But thankfully Square saw the value in the property and didn't abandon the fans. Instead, the PSP prequel game and CG-animated sequel movie were made. Crisis Core succeeded as a solid action-RPG, but failed to add anything to the story. And although Advent Children is my favourite game movie (pending the release of Metal Gear Solid), it didn't come close to capturing the game's epicness (epicity?) and ignored the secondary characters in favor of those fucking boring, stupid, whiny, did-I-mention-fucking-boring Sephiroth clones. 

So Square, now that your new ideas aren't working out as planned, why not try something different? There are millions in my generation who would pay any price to see a live-action Final Fantasy 7 movie, and if it were done by the right people, it would at least generate the "Will this be the first great video game movie?" buzz. I won't pretend that there's a chance in hell that a Peter Jackson, or even a Jon Favreau would take it. Until game movies (gamevies?) become a legitimate genre, no director who has anything to lose will ten foot pole that shit. But still one can dream, man. 

CAST

Cloud Strife: Zac Efron

He's got the look nailed and people know him, but he hasn't yet starred in a big budget blockbuster...for guys.