Eight-Word Reviews: Part 44 and a 4th

If you name a movie on my Facebook page or tweet me one, AND if I've seen it, I'll 8-word review it. Warning: I'm honest.


Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Surprisingly awesome. Funniest Marvel movie yet...sorry Joss.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013)

HG's Kill Bill Vol.2: Good story; lacking action.

Gravity (2013)

2013's Life of Pi. Will win Best Cinematography.

Ender's Game (2013)

Wicked fun for kids geeks of all ages.

Banshee Season 1 (2013)

Bullets, boobs, brawls, repeat. 2013's BEST. NEW. SHOW.

Prisoners (2013)

(Mystic River - Eastwood) x Fincher x Fincher x Fincher x Fincher

The Way, Way Back (2013)

Boring as shit, save for Sam Rockwell's wit.

Limitless (2010, requested by Sarah L.)

Do drugs: gain superpowers, and meet Robert Deniro!

The Conjuring (2013)

"Wanna make another generic ghost flick?" "Fuck yeah!"

If I Cast It: Uncharted

Nathan Drake: (thin) Nathan Fillion (Firefly)

Non-negotiable.

Victor 'Sully' Sullivan: Bruce Campbell (Burn Notice)

Why did I refer you to Burn Notice instead of Evil Dead? Because in Evil Dead he's too young to look anything like Sully. Who else could work: Robert Deniro (the fan favourite for the role), George Clooney, John Slattery

Elena Fisher: Emily Rose (Haven)

Emily Rose? Wasn't she the chick who was exorcised in 2005 and then became Dexter's sister? Nope, turns out that the real-life Emily not only did Elena's voice in the games, but is also the non-voice-acting star of the show Haven. Anyone know if it's any good? Amy Smart also comes to mind.

Chloe Frazer: Freida Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire)

Considering her Britishness, who else could work: Rebecca Hall, Rachel Weiss, Keira Knightly

Charlie Cutter: Vinnie Jones (Snatch)

 Just look at him. Jason Statham? He doesn't do supporting roles any more. And Vinnie is due for a role where's not a despicable asshole.

Harry Flynn: Sam Rockwell

For secondary roles, Sam Rockwell is who you cast when you want to turn a generic character into a likeable one - and he can even be a good villain. The man seems to be tailor-made for action comedies and yet rarely appears in them; he should be getting more starring gigs after his amazing performance in the tragically underrated Moon.

The Director Wore A Batsuit: Why I Think Ben Affleck Is Wrong For Batman

For some context: I loved Man of Steel and have absolutely no problem with Henry Cavill or Zack Snyder. Everyone was rooting for Zack to top everything he's ever done, and despite some of the kinks, he did just that. Man of Steel may not have been the Dark Knight that we wanted, but it still proved to be a fuckton more fun than Superman Returns, which is really what counts. But this is not really about that.

Then came the crossover announcement. So it's not the Justice League uberfilm that WB needs to fully counteract the wallet-exploding effects of The Avengers, but hey, we get a Superman-Batman mini-feud movie! They even used a Dark Knight Returns quote to make the official announcement! Fkn eh!

Wait...Ben Afflleck!? Oh shit no, bro.

When I heard, I pretty much had the same reaction as when Chris Evans was cast as Captain America. It wasn't pretty. There were casualties. But I also wanted to wait until the news settled for a bit to properly form an opinion about it instead of just banging my head on the keyboard and hitting Publish. When the Internet learned that Ben Affleck was to be the next Batman, it was so mind-blowingly maddening that I think we all went through many of the stages of beloved-franchise-defiled nerd grief. I don't know about you, but my immediate reaction was that it was a joke. Even after multiple sources reported it. That's denial. Then, of course, I got angry.

That was weeks ago. I've grown as a person since then, but I still can't admit to having reached the acceptance stage. Don't get me wrong: it's not that I think Ben's a terrible actor; it's that he is just not the right type of actor to suit the role. The fact that I still feel this way after all these weeks says something. My opinion isn't changing; it's just becoming clearer.

So, sorry Ben, but I'm going to have to stay with the "Ben Affleck is a terrible choice to play Batman" side, probably permanently. No more waiting for it to sink in. It's true, goddammit. But unlike the rest of the Internet, I can offer to you actual reasons as to why the fans are reacting the way they we are, and mine is guaranteed to be at least 97% free of words like 'pwn' and 'fag'.

Ben is not a character actor. His range is not exactly the vastest, and his demeanour is not exactly the darkest. When was the last time you saw Ol' Baffles play a mysterious, loner character? And don't say Daredevil, because he was all charisma outside the suit. Before Argo, Bartleby from Dogma was probably the most badass role he'd done, but he was still a very charismatic character, and not a huge stretch for Fleckers. Sure, he can carry a movie as a serious protagonist, but has never really succeeded in showing us a dark side. 

Ben is charming. In fact, unless I am mistaken, I think Argo may have been his first starring role where he's not trying to seduce some chick. The absolute last thing you want in your Batman is charm, and as an actor, that's really what Ben is good at and known for. Ben is much too friendly - or at least, perceived as being that way by us movie folk who have been watching him all these years - to play Batman.

One might make the argument that Bruce Wayne is a always described as a billionaire playboy, but I seriously doubt that will be an important plot point in a Superman sequel. 

Ben already played a comic book hero, and nobody liked it. Can you really blame the fans for remembering this? 

Ben doesn't have a very deep voice. Hey, we're all thinking it.

Fans prefer up-and-comers as opposed to big stars to play their superheroes. Obviously this isn't true for everybody, and there are exceptions like Iron Man, but it's a very general observation I've made when it comes to casting.  Most of us agree that the problem with Superman Returns was something other than the casting of Brandon Routh, and those who do have major problems with man of Steel aren't really targeting Henry Cavill en masse. Val Kilmer's and George Clooney's Batman "movies" are widely considered to be the worst of all time, and can you find anyone who gave the Ghost Rider movies five stars?

Maybe worst of all, Ben will spend less time directing things. And not only during filming; he'll be attending ComicCons and Bat-events all over the place. Kids want to meet the actor who plays Batman, not the director of Gone Baby Gone. Well fuck that, I want him directing things.

So, who should play Bats then, smartass? Turn on literally any movie, and chances are there is an actor in it who is better suited to don the cowl. But to answer your my question, considering the Dark Knight Returns connection, I think it would have been more suitable to hire an older actor that people are familiar with - remaining truer to the original comic (Bruce Wayne is in his sixties in TDKR), and furthering the distinction between this new franchise and the last one - someone like Josh Brolin (45), James Remar (59), or Aiden Quinn (54) would probably work. 

But since they're going with the just-entering-middle-age version, then I would have gone with an up-and-coming TV actor like Antony Starr (Banshee, age 37), Anson Mount (Hell on Wheels, age 40), or maybe even Nathan Fillion (Firefly/Castle, 42).

What do you think?

The Filmburgers Podcast Episode 5: Breaking Bub

In this episode, Phil and I make words about The Wolverine, Elysium, the 'premiere' of Breaking Bad Sesaon 5 Part 2, and some others shows that you should be watching if you're not already .

Music: "Solitary Man" by Ritual (Sweden) from their 1995 self-titled album




01:00 The Wolverine

03:25 Elysium

15:20 Music!

15:55 Breaking Bad Season 5 episode 9

30:25 Guitar solo!

31:05 Banshee

32:45 Orphan Black

35:00 Under the Dome

Co-host: Phil Fleury
Edited and produced by Jeff

The Filmburgers Podcast Episode 4: Kaijubilee

Download Here

Music: Love Junkie by Hotel Royal. The official video for the song is posted below. I know the keyboardist.

In this episode, Phil and I transmit from our giant Kaiju-fighting robots and discuss the recently-announced Emmy nominations and Pacific Rim. I am clearly tired from all the Kaiju-bashing.

00:30 - Emmy Nominations

08:50 - Music!

09:23 - Pacific Rim

18:39 - More Music!

And then, as usual, some random things & stuff & junk:

19:08 - The Wolverine / James Mangled Mangold

20:50 - Noah vs Noah? (Correction: Scott wants to do a Moses movie)

21:20 - R.I.P.D. / What Ryan Reynolds has in common with margarine

22:24 - Seventh Son looks like shit

22:42 - Only God Forgives is said to be shit

23:50 - Dead Man Down / critics are not to be trusted

25:00 - Man of Steel revisited Returns

Co-host: Phil Fleury
Edited and produced by Jeff

The Filmburgers Podcast Episode 3: Man of World War Steel

In this episode, Phil and I split out words about Man of Steel and World War Z.

Music: A Farewell To The Falcon by Cuerock

00:55 - Microphones!

03:55 - Break

04:35 - Man of Steel

23:15 - Break

24:00 - World War Z

36:55 - The end of the Cuerock song, and then the podcast

Download here

Review: The ABCs Of Death

The ABC's of Death is an anthology horror movie from 2012 that is available on Netflix. It is a collection of 26 short films, of various lengths, styles, and themes, that all depict at least one on-screen death. Each of the film's creators were assigned a letter of the alphabet, and based on it, chose the means by which a character in their film dies. Sometimes more than one person dies. Sometimes an animal dies. Sometimes people die in English and sometimes in Spanish or Japanese, and sometimes with no dialogue at all. I'll try not to spoil too much.

A

Isn't she Catlin Stark's sister on Game of Thrones? Really great practical effects, and I kinda like the reveal at the end, but it could have been more...visual? Instead it just feels like something that was added later.

B

Not as crazy about this one. A Spanish dude who, as far as I can tell, has a regular public service job? Sure. And the B word just didn't quite work for the story.

C

I love it when sci-fi is combined with other genres like this. I was positive that the C was for clone but I guess that works too

D

Wow. At one point I skipped ahead because I thought I knew what was going to happen and I just can't watch that. But thankfully I was wrong and it turned out to be awesome. Impossible not to be reminded of the movie Snatch.

E

If that spider was in my house, I would grab something slightly larger than a magazine. Like a shotgun.

F

Like most Japanese things, this absolutely belongs in http://www.reddit.com/r/wtf

G

I often wonder why the POV shot isn't used more in film. ...wait, what happened? Was he dragged under by something? Was he hit on the head? Can he not, I don't know, swim? I had to rewind this a few times and still couldn't figure out what happens. G is for...gravity? What the fuck does gravity have to do with this? Did something fall on him? Sorry, but this one just escapes me. EDIT: I apparently didn't rewind far enough. Thanks to Reddit user Sykotik for pointing out the bricks.

H

Oh buy, furries! Not just that, furries that recreate old Warner Brothers cartoons! Takes a step back into WTF territory for a moment, but still doesn't come close to the weirdness of F.

If I Remade It: Fantastic Four

Josh Trank is directing The Fantastic Four for a 2015 release, and I am not complaining. In my mind Chronicle is hands down the best found-footage movie ever, and like Unbreakable, a great superhero origin story that is independent of the Marvel / DC empire. People are tired of reboots, but in this case I don't think anyone is asking for a continuation of the existing films, and it's a logical step in Marvel's grand scheme to use this property.

The problem with the Tim Story versions is that they were too common denominator. They felt like they should be in the Kids section at the video store on Netflix. Whether it's a comic book, plain-old action, or cop drama movie, there is a principle that you will only make a good movie if you are trying to make a good movie, and in that front, both the 2005 and 2007 FF entries failed tremendously. They used the right villains and got the characters somewhat right, but felt like the scripts were written by fifteen-year-olds and the director was on constant lunch break.

There is a bevy of different relationships between the Four that can be explored: there's the romance between Reed and Susan, the siblingness with Sue and Johnny, and the rocky (groan) friendship between Reed and Ben, and at least one of these will play into the plot. There is also an opportunity to bring in more secondary characters from the Marvel universe, and maybe even do some crossovers with other movie franchises or Agents of SHIELD.

As for villains, Doctor Doom has been done, and Galactus / Silver Surfer has been done. Bringing one of them back would be seen as unoriginal, but forgiveable considering how much they were fudged up. It would be like bringing Venom into the new Spider-man series, but with someone who is actually suited to play Eddie Brock. If it were done right, it would be rated R, which I would personally love to see. Besides that, a Skrull war could work for a rebooted FF series, if that isn't already the plan for The Avengers 2.

CAST

Reed Richards aka Mr. Fantastic: Campbell Scott (The Exorcism of Emily Rose)

Or maybe Tim Robbins, or maybe William Petersen if he loses a bunch of weight. Scott was in a Marvel movie last year where he played the other Richard Parker, but it was a small role, and that has never stopped them before. Some may say that they're all are too old, but I would argue that Iron Garfield was in fact too young, and definitely lacked that "smartest guy in the room" presence. The Marvel cinematic universe needs a 'father-figure' leader who is more than just a military mouth, and Richards should be that guy. Listen to the upcoming Episode 3 of the podcast for more on Scott.

The Filmburgers Podcast Episode 2: Star Trek Into Iron Man 3DTV

Download Episode 2 here


Music: "Stranger" by Honeyman and the Brothers Farr, from the album Behind The Veil, Behind The Veil (only $10)

00:30 Star Trek Into Darkness

18:38 Iron Man 3

34:00 TV Lightning Round:

• We both have cats
• Burn Notice
• American Netflix in Canada
• The League & It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
• Community & The Office
• Game of Thrones

Eight-Word Reviews: Page 3, Panel 3

If you name a movie or season on my Facebook page and if I've seen it, I'll eight-word review it. Twitter too. Warning: I'm honest.

Marvel / Disney

X-Men: First Class (2011, requested by Dan B.)

MacFassbendAvoy recruit obscure mutants & Kevin Bacon's a Nazi.

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Marvel's Go Army commercial. Vaccines don't cause autism.

Thor (2011)

Hemsworth kills frost giants, breaks hearts, smashes glasses.

Iron Man (2008)

Sherlock Chaplin builds Superman armour and talks fast.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Looks good, feels rushed. Whiplash's accent stinks. "Bort"?

DC / Warner Brothers

Superman Returns (2006)

Lacking action. Luthor's land plan is fantastically bland

Watchmen (2009)

Underrated. Dark, bloody & 78.1% slo-mo. Readers disapproved.

Superman vs the Elite (2011)

Cool, but "Superman makes friends, fights them" again?

Justice League: Doom (2012)

Decent story, sweet battles. 'Holograms' can do that?